Thursday, March 1, 2012

Why Obama is Talking to Bill Simmons

An aid sprinted down the twisting corridors of the West Wing frantically in search of the President of the United States.  In his hand were the results that would decide the country’s immediate future.  After scurrying around assorted staff members and ass kissers he finally found him in the Oval Office. 
“Mr. President, the results just came in and it doesn’t look good.”
President Obama was staring out onto the Rose Garden in deep contemplation.  He nodded slowly still staring out into the distance.  “The Mormon got ‘em both huh?” 
“Yes sir.  Mr. Romney won both Michigan and Arizona by a comfortable margin.”  Again the President nodded, looking like he knew all along how this whole dance would play out.
“Convene a meeting of my cabinet; it looks like I’m going to have to start campaigning.”

At a long oak table sat the President, his Vice President and various members of his Cabinet.  Once everyone was seated and had their coffee, which Biden had spiked with a ton of whiskey, the President began.
“As you all know, that dingleberry Romney won both states yesterday.  Now we had a good run but it seems that the Republican Party finally has to nominate him which means I’m going to need to start making public appearances.  Any suggestions?
Without hesitation several hands shot into the air.
“Mr. President” Leon Panetta, his trusty defense minister started “we need to get you out there on the bus touring the nation.  I’ve already printed up an itinerary that would send you down the East Coast culminating in a speech in front of our naval base in Florida.  You need to be seen supporting our troops.”
“No Mr. President, what you need to do is go to the Midwest and talk to our farmers!” Shouted Tom Vilsack, head of Agriculture.
“Shut the fuck up Tom, no one gives a shit about farmers.  Why do we even invite you to these things.”  The room nodded its collective approval from what the President had said.  Tom turned a bright crimson and slunk down in his chair.
“If I may Mr. President what you need to do is re-energize your base.  In the past few years many young people have become disillusioned with your whole “Change We Can Believe In” What you need to do is go on a University tour and drum support back up.”  Piped up his Secretary of Education, who no one could or wanted to know her name.
“Those are such primitive forms of communication” Started Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, “What is this, Teddy Roosevelt era where a Presidential candidate stands on a soap box and shouts about the silver standard.  Instead I propose getting your face out onto the ole interweb and spread your message there.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t campaign and let me run instead!”
“Bitch, Hillary gets the fuck outta here and goes make me a samich.” Obama said.  She does as she was told.  “Anyway Tim keep going, I like where you’re heading.”
“Ok, as I was saying, you won the Presidency four years ago because you were the first ‘cool’ Presidential candidate.  And with rising unemployment and stagnate growth at best we need to appeal to that again.”
The President nodded.  “Yes, yes, I need to come across as a man of the people, rather than a pretentious dick farmer like Romney, ok but how?
“Glad you asked, what worked you before was all of your YouTube clips.  But that’s not going to work this time.  I don’t know if you look this up but most of your clips only get around 15,000 views.  In fact the only time you break six digits is when you sing and come across more as a stereotype rather than the leader of the free world.”
“Ok, so what are my options?
“Podcasts.  Podcasts are the way of the future.  If you could jump on one of those then you again could be portrayed as a guy who gets ‘it’.  Someone who embraces new media and is not afraid to try new things.  Listen, you’ll be killed this election season on job creation, even though there’s no way for a President to really influence that, so you need to come across as hip instead.”
“That sounds great, where should I start?”
“I LIKE SPORTS!” Shouted Joe Biden who between his cat naps was on his fourth Whiskey/coffee.  The whole room let out a collective sigh.  It was always a matter of time before the alcohol took over and he just started shouting whatever came to mind.
“Well, yes” Giethener continued trying to save the little momentum he had left.  “March is coming up so you could go back to Bristol and fill out a March Madness bracket, but getting back to the point at hand…”
“SPORTS! WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT SPORTS!” Biden persisted as he took another swig which burned his tongue. 
“Godd idea Joe, I should talk about sports.  What’s your angle?” Obama said.  No one knew why but it was obvious that Obama always had a soft spot for Joe, like a wounded animal that he nursed back to health ,but with the second most prestigious job in America.
“SPORTS, SPORTS, SPORTS!!!!” Joe screamed while doodling obscene images on Tom Vilsack’s notepad.
“Yes let’s do something with sports, does ESPN have a podcast.” Obama said addressing Tim.
“Uh, I guess they have a few.  I mean I suppose I could contact the boys over at ABC for them to rig something up, but I must stress that if we are going to do this it should be with someone like Dianne Sawyer or even the View would be a good start.”
“No I like Joe’s original idea.   I’m at ESPN’s website now, who’s this Bill Simmons character, he seems to have a podcast.  Hehe it’s the BS report just like his initials.”
“Uh he’s what used to be a funny sports writer.  But now he just primarily talks about basketball and puts as much effort into his columns as Allen Iverson did with practice and finances.”
“I like basketball, this guy sounds perfect! Joe what do you think?”
“Ha, always on the ball Joe.” Obama said tossing a cookie to his VP which he produced from his pocket.  “Ok, get me 30 minutes with Simmons and let’s get this campaign train a runnin.”
“No sir I don’t think you understand.  The most important person this guy has ever talked to is David Stern, a good get no question, but the guy spends most of his days watching basketball games and the rest of his time jabbering about reality TV.  Christ this a 40 year old man and he goes by the moniker “Sports Guy.”  He offers you nothing in terms of credibility.  And quite frankly it would just be a really strange decision.  Sir this is an important time.  You need to be talking to real news people.  Let’s get you talking on NPR or maybe even Rush Limbaugh.  Hell even doing a spot on Pornhub would make more sense, you could be the pizza delivery guy who when she doesn’t’ have enough money you could start talking about restructuring the tax code so she afford all the pizza she wants.   I mean think how strange it would be if someone just went over to his site, Grantland and just saw you there.  You’re the fucking President of the United States; you shouldn’t be wasting your time with Bill Simmons.”
The President stood up and started pacing around the room.  No one spoke for several minutes as the tension built into a crescendo.  Finally the President turned. “So many decisions what do you think I should do Joe?”
“You know what I’ll call ESPN, and I quit.”

1 comment:

  1. I'm pretty sure Joe Biden doesn't drink.

    Entertaining as always