Uh, hi God. It’s me Aaron. I know I haven’t done this in a while or ever and for that I’m sorry. Anyway I know I have a lot of sins to confess. Or wait, I’m Jewish, do you care about my sins? Well better safe than sorry I suppose right. So anyway, I’m sorry for running over that squirrel a few weeks ago and not turning around to see if it was all right. Um what else, o yea that time I dared Sam Greenstein to eat that piece of poop and he did it, even though that was pretty funny. The countless numbers of drugs, alcohol and Chipolte I've poisoned my body with. And let’s not forget the 7,496 times I’ve masturbated since I was 13 including today. I think that’s about it, if there is anything else I’m forgetting please don’t hesitate to give me a pimple or something.
You see I have this problem that only you in your infinite grace can help me out with. As you know Tim Tebow will be released or traded soon from the Denver Broncos. And I want him. BADLY! And seeing as he is the closest thing to your son that I’ve ever seen I figured you would be the one to get in contact with. Jeez that was a lot of pro nouns in one sentence, am I right? Hahaha. Woo, any way is there maybe anything that I could do or maybe you could do to bring him over here.
See my problem is that I've lost faith. Not in you ‘O Holiest of Holy’s’, but in some other higher power. All my life when I should have been dedicating my Sunday’s to you I was watching football. And for that I again I’m sorry. But like the George Carlin bit (possibly your last disciple) it would’ve been rude to presume on our friendship. So in reality I didn't go to Synagogue because I didn't want to bother you. But that’s not the point right now.
I lost faith in my football team. THEY HIRED THEIR OFFENSIVE LINE COACH TO BE THEIR DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR FOR CHRIST SAKE! I mean who does that? Last year I couldn’t even watch the Eagles, and I mean altogether. Everyone from the GM through the Punter, I hated, especially our coach and quarterback.
And while it was somewhat liberating to have my Sunday’s back I want to care again. Last year was torturous. As you know the team played without energy or feeling until there was no reason to play anymore. The team has all the talent in the world, we’re just gutless, except for Reid who has 6 guts.
And then with this offseason, my animosity turned to total ambivalence. No one was fired, big contracts were handed out. They still haven’t addressed any real need. In fact the so called “Dream Team” was just given a mulligan. That’s not right, and it’s insulting to anyone who bought a ticket or a piece of merchandise.
But I think if you would bless us with Tim Tebow that would really turn this team around. I mean with Tim you really broke the mold, he’s a fighter, a leader of men and has the chiseled jaw line every Nazi would Heil to. Sorry bad time for a Nazi joke, forgive me for that to. This team has bad karma right now. The front office is inept, our coach is a fat tub of lard mixed with an even fatter tub of lard layered between two slices of incompetence and drizzled with nacho cheese. Not to mention our QB is a convicted dog killer; yet everyone wants to play with him. But not the type of players who you can win with. Tebow would change the entire culture of this team.
With him out we could rebuild around him with character pieces instead of this rag tag collection of criminals and drug users (citation: probable drug users). Tebow would clean all of that up and if they didn’t get on board you could smite them. Tebow would be beloved here, because if there is one thing Philadelphians respect it’s hard work and mental toughness. Tim’s got more of that in his pinky toe then anyone I’ve ever seen on TV and I’ve seen ‘Rocky.’
Would Tebow be booed? We both know he would. But it would be because we care. And deep down everybody would love him. In no other city would the podium be higher. There’s talk that he wants to play in Florida again. Please. That novelty will wear off and eventually either the Jags or the Fins will have to black out the games locally. Not here. Here we will hoist him on to our collective shoulders so high you two will be able to have a face to face conversation.
Now I know, that you know, that I was the one that burned that dumpster after the 2007 National Championship Game. But come on, it’s college; you must know what it’s like with the temptation to do stupid things. Plus come on every time he came into the game he just did that bullshit shotgun snap run behind the left guard for seven yards a pop, you must know how infuriating that was. So I’m sorry about
But as you can tell I have reformed me ways. Except for all those times I wished he would contract some sort of mutant cancer that would give him AIDS rectally. But that was just harmless teasing, and only while he and I were in college. I just didn’t want him getting a second Heisman and taking the honor away from Archie Griffin. Fine sorry again, God you’re pushy.
You know what! You owe me buddy! This has been a year of hell! I can’t get a real job, I can’t get a real place to live, I can’t get a real girl, and no the fleshlight isn’t good enough thank you very much!
I’m sorry. I didn't mean to snap but it’s tough ya know. I just want a reason to care about something. As of now you’re screwing with the Phillies chances of repeating as NL Champs, but you have been more than kind on that front. The Flyers are always competitive and for that I give thanks. And you brought Urban Meyer into my life. So really you’re already halfway there with the Florida connection. I guess my problem is that I just care too much. And really that’s no sin. Except for maybe envy, which is the weakest of the seven deadly sins.
So please, I’m literally on my knees. If you could just find it in you infinite kindness and wisdom would you please call your son Tim and tell him Aaron thinks he should play for the Eagles. And if you do I promise to spend more time being good to my fellow man, volunteer more and dedicate myself to serve at the altar of Tebowism. Thanks in advance.