Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Sports Guy's Take On The Weird NFL Offseason

Hi there, it's me Bill Simmons! You might be wondering what I'm doing here, and quite frankly me to.  I woke up in some guys van was kindly asked to write for this amazing blog and couldn't, like literally wasn't allowed to say 'NO'!  So I’ll just have to take a break from my regularly scheduled once a week basketball column and podcast tapings to cover something I haven’t done in awhile.  No, not reality TV although this season of the Jersey Shore has been unwatchable, or The Wire even though we did have a two week “What the Fuck is the Point of a The Wire Bracket” contest on my website; So while we both wait for the swat team to show I'll turn my attention back to football with just a sprinkling of bullshit pop culture comments to make me seem cool and edgy even though these references will be hilariously out of date. 

Tom Hanks is the greatest actor of this or any other generation.  His down to Earth looks and charm make him appealing to both men and women, and yet he always plays roles where he is almost superhuman.  As Jim Lovell in Apollo 13 he is smart and brave, as Captain John Miller in Saving Private Ryan he is cunning and fearless and as Robert Langdon from Da Vinci Code or Woody from Toy Story he is both intelligent and courageous.  Ok well maybe he has been pigeonholed a bit by Hollywood. 
But my favorite Tom Hanks movie (after everything from the 80’s; I mean how great were the 80’s right? Go Celtics!) Is Forrest Gump.  He was the loveable simpleton who met three presidents, was a war hero, won a ping pong tournament against the Chinese and married way out of his league.  But my favorite line from that or any other movie has always been
“I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.”
Also “She tasted like cigarettes” but that has no bearing on the rest of this column so forget I brought it up.
He says this in regards to Jenny spurning his marriage proposal.  It’s a line if you know me I use frequently.  Not because I don’t know enough, actually if you read my column you’ll get the sense that I’m an insufferable dick farmer up on dipshit mountain, but because I can use that quote to make any point  I want.  And my point is this; I don’t understand what’s happening in football anymore, but I know I don’t love it.
It’s been barely a month since the Super Bowl ended and I’m still not over the Giants beating us again.  Sorry be right back.
Thanks just had to go slam my dick in the fridge door while chugging Rumple Mintz.
Anyway since then there have several incredibly strange events in the National Football League.  So let’s go through what’s been going on while still making vague references to a movie where a woman rapes a retard.
The big news was Jim Irsay letting go of Peyton Manning.  I patented this move in Madden, but not since Joe Montana has it actually happened in real life.  And when it does its big news, I just don’t get it.  I mean I get it, but to actually cut the face of the franchise so unceremoniously and callously was just, strange.  But now the door is wide open to nab the next Great One and continue Indianapolis’ only excuse for relevance.  Except of course for how awesome the Pacers are, God I’m itchin to write about basketball. WHAT! STOP HITTING ME! OK I PROMISE I WON'T MENTION BASKETBALL FOR THE REST OF THE COLUMN!  IT’S ALL I HAVE LEFT!!!
Forrest Gump Equivalent (FGE): Forrest is all Colt’s fans, and he’s watching his mother (Peyton) die.  As she lays there she(Manning) tells Forrest (fans) that it will be all right.  Sun rise, sun set, and all that garbage.  So s(he) dies and is almost immediately replaced with a younger, sexier woman.   That’s right Jenny is now Andrew Luck and she is ready to come in and start making babies (championships).  So get ready Indianapolis you’re about to get the AIDS.  I think that’s how that analogy is supposed to end.
Our second big story is of course Bountygate, or Sinnersgate if you have no self awareness and want to sound like a dick.  Now this is where I have to plead stupidity.  I don’t see why this is a problem.  When the Saints kicked the crap out of the Vikings and effectively ended Brett Favre’s career in the 2009 playoffs, all the talking heads on ESPN called it a great defensive strategy.  Who’d have thought if you rough up the quarterback it would make him less effective.  Hell every time you watch a pregame show everyone talks about the importance of hitting the quarterback early and getting him off his rhythm.  It has always been understood that the defense is trying to hurt people and when possible trying to knock players out of the game.   So now that there is a coach condoning this behavior people are surprised.  Please.   Even with refs and Goodell trying to castrate all defenses and turning their league into the XFL it is still the job of the defense to stop the other team.  In the corporate world if you do something well you receive a bonus and it’s no big deal even if you have a contract.  So why is the NFL making a big deal about this.  When you’re in a room full of millionaires what’s a $10,000 prize?  Now of course there are probably many sides to this story that I don’t understand.  But from where I’m sitting the biggest problem this story entails whether or not these small payments affect the salary cap at all.  Just stop pretending like you didn’t know this was happening and worrying about player safety when you’re desperately trying to extend the season to 18 games. 
FGE:  Now I could compare this to the Watergate scene, but that’s too obvious.  No I see this more as when Forrest is told by the little old lady at the bus stop that the street he needs is just a block away.  He’d been sitting on that bench for an hour and a half (which calls into question the public transportation in Alabama or wherever the hell that tramp was staying ) talking when what he wanted, if he had just looked around was right in front of him.  When this “scandal” broke my immediate reaction was ‘yea that seems right.’  No shock, no anger not even enough to make me break stride.  Well Roger Goodell has been talking about being tough on his bench for years and like Forrest he has acted decisively when the time has called for it.  But if he ever got up and looked around he may have noticed something like this was just around the bend, or maybe a bigger problem, cough cough steroids cough.

TEEN WOLF!!!! KARATE KID!!!!  Sorry I have a quota to fill and they need to be mentioned at least once per column.  Moving on.

Recently the Redskins and the Cowboys were hit by SalaryCapGate.  Apparently both teams spent over the cap of an uncapped year.  Wuh?  Again demonstrating that I don’t get what’s going on in football.  The teams are being fined for front loading long term contracts during the 2010 season when the NFL was uncapped.   That’s not cheating, that’s good business.  Both teams are now within the limits of the salary cap and as far as I can tell if you can take advantage when the market is down, jump on it.  According to a great piece by Dan Graziano apparently the only thing these teams did wrong was break a gentleman’s agreement.  And because when I think Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones I think gentlemen.  But what these men did wasn’t cheating, it was recognizing the situation for what it was and acting accordingly.  Instead of being commended for being the only owners with any business acumen they are being raked over the coals and branded as cheaters.  And now with big football breathing down everyone’s neck why not just let Goodell run everyone’s team.  Whoa sorry there starting to sound a lot like Mitt Romney.  Dunking my head in cold water.
FGE: Forrest and the rest of the marines are ambushed in Vietnam.  Bullets are flying all around and eventually Lt. Dan calls in an air strike and it’s up to Forrest to run in and save the day.  After rescuing several marines including Bubba he is chewed out by his commanding officer.  Despite doing the right thing he is scolded like a child for not doing what everyone else was doing.  I can’t believe I’m saying this but Jerry Jones is like Forrest Gump.  He saw the situation as a time of action rather than complacency and charged in head first.  He did what he needed to do and gets yelled out for not letting his superior go out in an honorable blaze of glory.  Apparently Goodell would rather be blown up then admit someone found a simple loophole.  This one is a bit of a stretch though, only because both the Redskins and Cowboys both suck and won’t get the Medal of Honor (Lombardi Trophy) anytime soon.
Speaking of the Redskins; they just traded for Robert Griffin III and all it cost them was three first round picks, a second rounder plus their left testicle, and I don’t know if it was a good trade or not.  On one hand if you hit on a franchise quarterback you’re set for a decade.  Just ask the Colts what it’s like to have a great quarterback and then go ask the Dolphins what it’s like to constantly miss out on one.  Cut to every Redskins fans pissing themselves in excitement.  On the other the Redskins most talented offensive player is the corpse of Santana Moss and Roy Helu.  Cut back to the Redskins fans shitting themselves in fear knowing they won’t be getting upgrades at those positions anytime soon.  You could argue that more than anything the team needed depth at multiple positions not just quarterback.  But then again when Rex Grossman is your opening day starter you’ll be in for a long season.  So I guess what I’m saying is…
FGE: “Life is like a box of chocolates.  You never know what you’re going to get.”  I just don’t know if it’s a good thing to have.

Yup this is my type of column.  Will you let me go now?


  1. "Let's go farm dicks together on dipshit mountain" might be the most romantic thing I've ever heard

  2. It's a surprisingly effective pick up line, I just wish I had come up with it instead of Simmons. He's just so talented.