Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Things that infuriated me: Week of March 4

This is a couple days late. But I don't really care, and neither should you. At least it's warm out. Unfortunately for some things, the relative mildness of the weather this past week didn't distract me from being enraged by stuff. In other news, can you tell that I stopped caring about the introduction to this column?

1. McDonald's commercials: Have you seen the new McDonald's commercial for its Filet 'o Fish sandwich? With the ship captain whose fish-finder is going crazy, and he runs all over the ship and then realizes it's just because his crew is all eating Filet 'o Fish? SO STUPID. Does anyone think fish-finders actually work like that? Like metal detectors? All McDonald's commercials just cater to the lowest common denominator of humor and entertainment. It's like their whole ad team just sits around thinking, "What would make Forrest Gump clap and want to buy a cheeseburger?" And none of the commercials have anything to do with the food, either. Can we just cut the crap and agree to acknowledge that the only reason anyone has ever eaten at McDonald's is because a) they're drunk, b) it's the closest restaurant available, or c) the Monopoly game is running? Honesty is refreshing.

2. The Eagles' intransigence: I've made this argument a bunch of times already, notably here and here. Ray Didinger made it for me here, and Mike Missanelli made it here. No matter what Jon Moss might say, there is absolutely no excuse for the Eagles not to go after Peyton Manning. But I'm not going to beat that dead horse again. Instead, I'm going to simply lament the fact that we're watching the same drama play out that has played out for the entirety of the Andy Reid era, in which it's clear to everyone and his mother that the Eagles are sorely lacking in some significant area, Andy Reid denies that it's a problem, and then it becomes a serious issue. We saw it early in McNabb's career when he was throwing to such luminaries as Torrance Small, Charles Johnson, James Thrash, and Todd Pinkston. We saw it in 2008, when the team released Jeremy Bloom and left itself without a kick returner. We saw it in 2010, when Sheldon Brown was traded and the team had no viable second corner, and we saw it last year, when precisely nobody was convinced that Casey Matthews could effectively start at middle linebacker. For sports teams, it's usually not wise to follow the wishes of the crowd, but it's clear that Andy Reid's Eagles make repeated and major miscalculations about their own talent and ability. Enough already. Enjoy Mike Vick this year, and hopefully it's Andy Reid's last as head coach.

3. Northwestern basketball. First, a haiku:

Lots of close losses
Choked when it mattered the most
No Shurna next year

Ok, Northwestern readers, are you sufficiently depressed? Don't be. If you had asked me before the college basketball season how Northwestern's season would turn out, I'd have said that they'd win around 20 games, lose some really close matches with significantly better teams, and need a win or two in the conference tournament to secure a March Madness bid, but would probably choke away their chances. Because that's exactly what has happened for about four years running now. You should have seen this coming. Bill Carmody's teams are nothing if not consistent. I wish I could bet on stuff like this.

4. Auction drafts in fantasy sports. Allow me to nerd out for a minute here. Auction drafts are the WORST. I can hear the critics now: "But auction drafts require more strategy and every player is available to you and"  SHUT UP. I don't want to hear it. You could go for a whole hour in an auction draft without ever picking up a player, and yet it demands your constant undivided attention, lest you miss bidding on a player you actually want. In a lot of ways, it's basically soccer: You have to pay attention for a really, really long time, even though nothing of import is happening, and in the end the stupid game ends in a 0-0 draw anyway. We need someone to do a study on the number of soccer games that actually end up being exciting to watch. I would guess it's less than 30 percent, but that's neither here nor there. The point is that auction drafts are a scourge on the fantasy community and if I ever have to do another one I'll cry.

And one thing I loved!

MARCH MADNESS IS HERE. Thank god. March is an incredibly underrated month in sports and in life, and in a lot of ways, I think it's the best month of the year. Consider: You've got the college basketball conference tournaments and March Madness, which is probably the single most exciting sports event of the year. Spring training kicks off and baseball gets back in full swing, the NHL goes through its stretch run, and you've got NFL free agency and the buildup to the draft. March marks the first warm days of spring and also the arrival of St. Patrick's Day, a delightfully festive drinking occasion. So take some time to give March the warm appreciation it deserves. It loves you back.


  1. Things that infuriated me this week: The lack of overt hatred for Rod Barajas!

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  3. March also usually holds skirt day, as we called it in Kingston (or Halter Top day as the Sports Guy calls it)