Dear New York,
As I sit here watching the final few minutes of the latest Rangers ass kicking of the Flyers I can’t help but be reminded over how much I fucking hate you.
In a quick rundown of my least favorite teams in no particular order you will see a recurring pattern:
Cowboys, Giants, Braves, Mets, Rangers, Devils, Sabers, Penguins, Buccaneers/Lightning, Cardinals/Yankees/Red Sox
Almost 50% of my sports hatred is dedicated to your sports teams (Bills, Islanders you’re cool).
Why is that? Is it because you only hate the teams that win? Is it because New York is the closest major city to Philly thus creating a natural rivalry? Is it because Eli Manning now has two Super Bowl MVP’s while looking like the child of an autistic chimp and a downs syndrome Bill Gates?
No there has to be something more:
Philadelphia is the second largest city on the East Coast. It was once the second largest English speaking city in the world after London. And yet there will always be an inferiority complex beat in and burned deep into the soul of anyone born here. New York has long been in my mind anyway Philadelphia’s bully of an older brother. You always got what I wanted. The girls always thought you were better looking. Your accomplishments always got more attention than mine. You got a PS3 that could perform oral sex while dispensing beer from a full keg on Christmas while I got an Atari from 1983 that was covered in shit and a note saying I was adopted and my parents never loved me.
We have always been overlooked as a great American city. Washington is the capital, Boston has the charm, Chicago has nice Midwesterners, LA has the beach and everything is bigger in Texas. But of course everything else is in NYC. All I hear day in night is “Oooo New York if you can make it there you can make it anywhere.” That’s bullshit how does growing up on the Lower East side help you when you travel to Uganda. What does Philly have? According to the National media (Philly bias alert) all we have is an unhealthy sandwich and a shitty bell (I actually do think that bell is stupid, but dammit that’s not the point). We’re the city who heaven forbid threw snowballs at Santa (hence our namesake) cheered when Michael Irving’s career ended and threw batteries at Barry Bonds before it was popular.
But Philadelphia is more than that. It is the home of two of the top three greatest Americans of All Time Washington, Franklin, Balboa. We have the Cheesesteak, the Soft Pretzel with mustard and Wooder Ice. We have world class restaurants, some of the finest hospitals in the world and the Cheesesteak (this can never be said enough times it truly is God’s gift to sandwiches).
So then why do I let you, New York get under my skin? I have often said that New York would be the greatest city in the world if you take out the New Yorkers. You’re city is a mecca of tall buildings, great culture and thundercunts. I just can’t stand your arrogance and your attitude where you think the world owes you something. I always respected George Steinbrenner for the way he would make his team successful by always buying the shiniest thing on the market, but that doesn’t give you the right to follow his lead.
Look maybe this is my problem. Maybe having to watch you succeed where I have failed for so long is just causing me to feel frustrated. And for that I am sorry.
But seriously Go Fuck Yourself!