Thursday, February 9, 2012

How I Saved Baseball

Scene:  July 17 2009.  The air is sticky as the fans aren’t  rotating fast or hard enough.  There are too many people squeezed inside this small Grishamish courtroom.  A media firestorm has been set off with the murder of longtime Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig.  Reporters and cameramen have been allowed inside and the whole back half of the room is stuffed with men in nice suites, cameramen in jeans and mustard stained tee shirts and Erin Andrews who seemingly brought her own equipment. 
The trial of the century Aaron Kaplan V. Baseball is about to begin.
The Judge stares down at the defendants table where a stoic, serene man is sitting visibly enjoying the attention he has caused. 
“In light of the damning video tape evidence against you Mr. Kaplan how do you plead?” 
The defendant rises.  He is wearing a crisp black suit with a starched white shirt and Kanye West sunglasses, looking baller as hell, not even sweating despite the oppressive heat.  He has decided to forgo his right to an attorney and defend himself.  “I plead NOT GUILTY on the grounds that this was a crime of self defense!”
Cameras flash and the sound of the fans are drowned out by the cries of the spectators and Selig’s lawyers.  Erin Andrews subtly unbuttons the top of her blouse.

“Excuse me?” the judge inquired.  “The tape is definitive; it is clear that once you saw him you charged at him with a golf club.  And then later in the concession stand”
“No you see that was different, the first assault was only because I thought he was a zombie, I mean look at him.”  Again cries of outrage from the pews.  Erin moans in defiant pleasure.
“Order, Order or I will close this courtroom off!  Ok that is a fair point he does look like a cross between Sam the Eagle and a rotted pumpkin, I’ll allow it.”
“Thank you your honor.  If we queue up the tape it will start with Mr. Selig on the eight hole of the mini golf course kicking his ball and subtly looking around.  From here I will appear stage right brandishing my club.  As you can see once I strike Mr. Selig and realize he is in fact not of the living dead I do help him up.”
“Yes the court has made a record of that, continue.”
“Well anyway I help him up and I treat him to ice cream at the concession stand, as an apology, where he ordered a sundae with sprinkles, like an asshole cause who says ‘sprinkles”  Amen scream all the true G’s in the audience. “So we get to talking”
“Strike that you are verbally assaulting Mr. Selig for most of time.”
“Ok fine, but you would to.  The conversation starts out pleasantly enough.  I comically remind him of the time he let the All Star game end in a tie.”
“Oh yea that was really stupid, continue.”
“And this reminded me about how the All Star game decides home field advantage in the World Series.  Pardon my French but how fucking stupid is that?  I’m sorry there is no polite way to phrase this any better. So that’s what I say to him and he argued back that he thought it was a good idea, that it made sure the game was always competitive.  I kindly rebutted that this makes as much sense as Bill O’ Reilly talking about evolution and the moon or some shit.”  Murmurs of agreement echo at the far end of the courtroom
“I don’t think that’s happened yet, but yes the All Star rule is almost as bad as the Black Sox Scandal.”
“Right, any way we continue talking and I think he was concussed because he starts talking about some upcoming plans for baseball, being a huge fan I had to listen, and what he had to say was shocking.” 
“I too am a huge fan please tell the court what Mr. Selig said.”  Cameramen creep forward without realizing it.  Erin started rubbing her breasts rhythmically in anticipation.
“Well first he tells me that in two years the Marlins will have  a brand new stadium and change their name to the Miami Marlins and wear a uniform that not even Jonny Weir would think is gay.  Now that wouldn’t be so bad, but come on that stadium averages about 36 people a game, in the middle of tough economic times when in all that is holy would they get a new stadium?  Next he states that they are putting a new CBA together, I didn’t fully understand it but all but guarantees less parity and giving small market teams a very limited window of success.”
“But as a Phillies fan couldn’t you care less about the Royals?”
“Fair point; ok screw that last thing I said.”  Upon hearing the word screw Erin Andrews removes her panties and flings them towards the defendants chair  
“Any way so he starts telling me that now until the rest of my life players getting 200 million dollar contracts would be a normal occurrence, in fact he told me that he expects the Phillies sixth best player from their World Series team would eventually go on and sign a contract for over 160 million dollars.”
“Carlos Ruiz?”
“No Jayson Werth, the guy no one had ever heard of until last year.”  A loud snickering is rumbles throughout the room.
“Well this is a free market system, if an owner wants to stupidly waste their money then there is nothing anyone can do about.”
“That’s what he said” The defendant said scowling ominously. “So I questioned how big his asshole was after all the times Donald Fehr and the Players Union had used him like a popsicle.”  Erin Andrews was now stark naked and panting like a dog
“Get to the point Mr. Kaplan.”  The judge barked.
“I haven’t even gotten to the worst part yet.”   Aaron explained. “Selig then tells me that he’s thinking about adding another playoff team.”  The courtroom explodes into a series of flashes and pandemonium, anchors are now climbing on top of tables to get a better shot.  Erin is pleasuring herself with her microphone.
“Excuse me.”
“Yea, I fifth playoff team.  He says he’s been mulling over the idea for awhile now and thinks it would make for better ratings.”
“Objection” screamed the prosecutor, who upon closer inspection was Jim Rome, peeping up for the first time.  “This is all just the ramblings of a crazed man talking about a conversation at a mini golf game a week ago.  This can’t be admissible.” 
“One more word out of you and I’ll hold you in contempt.  Go on Mr. Kaplan.”
“Thank you your honor.  He says that it isn’t official yet but it will probably pass and that within five years there will be ten teams in the playoffs.”
“But hadn’t he realized that what makes baseball special is the exclusivity of its playoff format?  That the only thing separating Baseball from the rest of the sports is that it actually takes some skill to make it to October.” 
“I couldn’t agree more, but I’m not even finished.”  The crowd gasps in horror and a panic now overtakes heat as the dominant energy in the room
“W-w-what do you mean, there can’t possibly be any more.” 
In a very low whisper the defendant continues.  “In three years the Astros will move to the American league sparking off a chain reaction that will require…”
“REQUIRE WHAT!” screamed the judge whose robe was now caked in sweat, the only one not visibly nervous was Erin Andrews who was spread eagle on the witness stand enjoying the chaos that was about to ensue.
“Interleague play all year.”  With that the collective fear boiled over and an orgy of destruction and violence erupted.  Tables were flipped over, windows smashed in, even the judge was caught up in the moment beating Jim Rome with his gavel.  After several minutes of panic, the judge collected himself and stared down at the defendant was now getting a blowjob under the table
“So now” started the judge “we will have April games featuring the Twins vs. the Reds?
“Uh-huh.”  Aaron gasped as he was now fingerblasting the shit out of E.A.  “And that is the end of our conversation.”
“So this is the point in the video where you reach under the table and grab your golf club.”
“Yes your honor.”  Again a series of flashes, illuminating Erin’s perfect tits.
“I see.  Well this causes quite a conundrum.  On the one hand you did commit a murder, no doubt about that, but what you did may well have very well saved Baseball.  I need some time to deliberate.
After an hour the judge comes back to find his courtroom in complete disarray, several reporters including Tim Kurkjian have committed Seppuku and the defendant is now the middle of an Erin Andrews and Mandy Moore sandwich.  After rapping his gavel the judge brings the courtroom back to order.
“After much deliberation and thought I have come to a verdict.”  A deafening silence envelops the room and news stations around the world have broken from their regularly scheduled broadcasts to show this important decision.
“It is in this court’s opinion that while the defendant did kill someone, this person was such a gutless douche that the court has no choice but to side with the defendant and crown him the new king of baseball.”  The second part of the sentence was drowned out by the screams of joy from the entire courtroom, but especially by Mandy  Moore. 
No it wasn’t Mandy Moore it was more of a beeping noise, what was that?  It sounds sort of like my….
As I punched my alarm clock I looked out onto the fresh snow.  It was all just a dream.  Selig is still in charge, full time interleague and ten playoff teams are now a very near future, the Cardinals are wearing my ring and I have to change my sheets.

Only 10 more days till spring training


  1. Most epic post in the history of Heckling Santa

    1. Thanks for the backhanded compliment, but I'll take it. Damn this was to much fun we should have started this years ago