AWESOME KICK ASS AMERICA FUCK YEA

I think we can all agree on one thing: America kicks so much fucking ass that it can do whatever the fuck it feels like doing.  We conquered the moon, castrated the Nazi’s and splooged all over Marilyn Monroe’s face. 

Don’t listen to those PC fags in the pussy media, America is fine.  China ain’t got shit on me, you or any beer swilling, firework blasting, bacon eating freedom lover.  And I know why.  NO ONE DOES AMERICA LIKE HOLLYWOOD!!!!

Earlier today I went and saw the new Spiderman movie.  Despite the atrocious dialogue and cookie cutter plot line the movie was fucking awesome, and it was all because of one scene.

To get you on my level, Spiderman is in trouble, Emma Stone is in trouble and all of New York is in trouble.  So what do the good people of New York do?  They go AMERICA ALL OVER EVERYONE’S ASS. 

The scene: Spiderman is limping around the New York skyline trying to get to the end of the movie, but he needs help.  That’s when Random McWhogivesashit from earlier in the film reveals that he’s somehow the foreman for all construction crews in the downtown Manhattan area, and he organizes all giant Cherry Pickers to swing into perfect formation so Spiderman has a clear shot to Emma Stones tits. And he organizes it all from in front of a Patton-esque  American flag.  FUCK YEA!!!!!  Go suck a bag of baby dicks Rhys Ifans, you Welsh fairy. 

This got my thinking.  Am I, and because I speak for this generation all of you, so easily susceptible to this blatant form of propaganda and manipulation?

And the answer is: You bet your God Bless American ass I am. 

So then, what are the top five “AWESOME KICK ASS AMERICA FUCK YEA” movies of all time.  Note these movies will be scored on a 1-10 Stallonies listing.  These metrics are not subjective and will hereafter be considered facts from up high.

5.        Independence Day.

Will Smith’s true breakout hit, hit theaters the summer of 1996.   Aliens descend from the heavens and start blowing shit up, and only Will, Jeff Goldblum and Bill Pullman can save the day.  After an epic Bill Pullman speech and a Goldblum nerd solution, America with minor help from the rest of the world save the planet.

Stallonies: 4.  Four seems a little low.  The movie has my boy Will Smith and it does have Randy Quaid at the top of his game.  But for the sake of these prestigious awards I couldn’t in good conscious go higher.  For one Smith’s famous line is “Welcome to Earth!” (punch to the head).  Now if he had said “Welcome to America” and subsequently added “Where we don’t play.  And we ride on them things like everyday” then the movie would have gotten a higher ranking.  But because America does need help from the likes of sand monkey’s, frog eaters and presumably Australians they can never be the true patriotic film it was intended to be.  Pullman even admits that July 4^th will no longer be remembered as an American holiday.  What the fuck is that about communist?

4.        Team America: World Police

The theme song says it all, “America, Fuck Yea!” What could be more American than that?  Add car chases, killing terrorists and hardcore puppet fucking and you have an epic recipe for sweet ole American awesomeness.  Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s third and most ambitious film ends with the death of all Islamic terrorist and foresaw the end of Kim Jong Ill.  Plus they inspired the name of this article.  LICK MY BUTT AND SUCK ON MY BALLS EVERYOTHER COUNTRY!!!!!!

Stallonies: 5.  Jumping up a few notches from our last entry, but what held this movie back was its subversive nature.  Sure the theme song is truly inspiring, but throughout the film there are blatant Anti American messages, which this committee of one simply could not overlook.  Plus how dare you attack Alec Baldwin, he’s a national treasure.   But still there’s this

3.        Die Hard

Come on.  You didn’t think this list wouldn’t have a Bruce Willis entry, did you?  Bruce Willis is to America, what the Bald Eagle is to America.  In fact if you had to draw what America looked like, it would be a paunchier version of John McClain holding a machine gun and making sweet love to Lady Liberty.  As everyone knows McClain has to thwart a bunch of quasi Russian gangsters from doing something involving money.  I don’t know I couldn’t hear anything over the noise of my testicles dropping from the sheer amount of America that was on screen. 

Stallonies: 7.  Christmas is American, deal with it rest of the world.  Santa, reindeer, elves all that shit are American trademarks.  If I had my druthers no one else would even celebrate Christmas.  But alas that is the one thing that holds this movie back from a higher ranking.  John McClain saves not just Christmas for us, but for the whole world.  And if there’s one thing I don’t like doing, it’s mixing my America with everyone else’s dirty, stinking country.  Fuck you Lichtenstein, you know what you did!

2.        Top Gun

WELCOME TO THE DANGER ZONE!!!!  The ultimate 80’s movie had it all.  Tom Cruise in his least crazy faze, Val Kilmer in his skinny days, and Meg Ryan cementing her status as the Encyclopedia Britannica definition of cute.  There are big planes, sexy women and all the homoerotic beach volleyball any movie could ever possibly withstand.  And then just to top off this hot apple pie of a movie, Tom Cruise literally defeats all the Russian fighter pilots (possibly in the world) in under three minutes.  Why?  Because AMERICA.

Stallonies: 9. Now we’re in the big leagues.  In fact the only thing that holds the movie back is it’s almost satanic treatment of America’s proudest facial hair; the Moustache.  The Moustache is a symbol of power, a symbol for truth and justice, a symbol of the Moustache ride itself.  It is the responsibility of all true, full blooded American men to at some point in their life ‘rock’ the stache.  However in the film the American antagonist has a Moustache, and then they kill off Goose, who’s legendary Moustache was so legendary that I’m going to use legendary three times in this sentence.  That’s a lot of legendary.  And that’s because it’s a lot of America.

1.       Rocky IV

If after reading the headline you didn’t know what the #1 answer would be then you should move to Russia, change citizenship and then kill yourself, because you don’t deserve to die as an American.  In the second movie ever worth being made, after the original Rocky, Rocky “the American Stallion” Balboa returns to punch Communism right in its beautifully chiseled chin, over and over again.  I actually just passed out for a second because all the blood that just rushed to my genitals just thinking about this movie.  THIS IS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stallonies: 74.  Yes, you thought this was a 1-10 list. Well guess what?  Sometimes America doesn’t play by the rules, so neither do I.  I live in a free country where I can do anything I want.  And it’s all because Rocky made it happen.  In what both Roger Ebert and Colin Powell call the end of the Cold War Sylvester Stallone is so America that he literally gets  a bunch of Godless Communists to start chanting for him… in the former Soviet Union.  Nothing will ever be better than his training montage in the middle of the Russian wilderness.  Not your marriage, not the birth of your first born, not even when you have grandchildren.  In fact the only thing that could be better is the first time you show this movie to your own children and then tell them he’s their real father.  Everyone would be happier that way.

So go out and enjoy the festivities today.  Eat a hamburger, a hotdog, a bratwurst, chicken wings and maybe even some ribs, then get shit housed drunk and start blowing up part of this wonderful country of ours up.  It’s called freedom and there is nothing better in this world.

Happy Fourth of July and God Bless America!

And Rocky!