Colonel Kurtz's Take on the NFL Draft

I see past the bullshit now.  I see past the lies, the deceit and the games.  I see up the tallest mountains and down to the bottoms of oceans.  I see all the way into space, and I can tell you there’s nothing there.   I’ve seen more horrible nightmares than Tim Burton and more loving embraces than Nicolas Sparks.  And I’ve seen the NFL draft.

I’m past the point of caring about the nothingness that the suits in Bristol have been telling me are important.  Their timid, phony logic no longer holds water. I’m done with all their trite, tired thoughts on things that are inconsequential.  I’m even done with Bud Light.

The trivial whereabouts of where people work and play no longer has relevance in my life.  I’m out there, in the ether.  And I’m not wearing pants.

Samuel deal unsurprising, but still questionable

In what many predicted would happen a year ago following the signings of Nnamdi Asomugha and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, the Eagles have apparently dealt Asante Samuel. Unable to get the second-rounder they wanted last offseason, the Eagles settled for just a seventh-rounder.

This is no surprise. Samuel was due $9.9 million from the Eagles this year, but restructured his deal to accommodate the Falcons.

Few players are worth $9.9 million per season, and with the Eagles already paying Asomugha top dollar and Samuel about to turn 32, something was going to give.

But does this trade really make the Eagles any more likely to win this season? No, obviously.

Parity in the NBA: The Plight of the Underdog

The NHL is in the midst of wrapping up the first round of its 2012 playoffs, in which the West's top seed has already been eliminated and the first and second seeds in the East will each need to win a seventh game to advance. The Panthers are on the brink of their first playoff series win since 1996, and the Coyotes just won their first playoff series since...ever.

Meanwhile, the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats are careening toward the worst single-season winning percentage in NBA history, and the Indiana Pacers are the only top-10 team in the NBA that could be regarded as a mild surprise.

Yes, it's another lesson in parity, and specifically the NBA's lack thereof. Why, exactly, does the NBA have so little competitive balance? It turns out that championship teams reliably exhibit some of the exact same qualifications, and that we can measure them before the playoffs begin--and in some cases, before the season even takes place.

Brian Dawkins: A Eulogy

Thank you all for coming today.  I know the news just broke recently and I am sure many of you are still in shock, I know I am. 

It’s funny for a long time we’ve been anticipating this day, some of us for three years now, but still when it happens words fail us.  But here goes…

We are gathered here today to remember and lionize Brian Patrick Dawkins; loving husband, beloved father and bone shattering hitter.

With Giroux, Flyers just play "follow the leader"

Peter Laviolette called him the best player in the world.

Kimmo Timonen said he was the best player in the league right now.

Danny Briere, no playoff slouch himself, called his first shift "the sign of a great leader."

Yes, Claude Giroux brought his A game for the series clincher against the favored Penguins, and it was something to behold.

My Time With Sidney Crosby

Sidney Crosby; long known as the most talented player in the league since The Great One, has been coming under fire recently for his actions and his words.  With his team down 2-0 in their first round matchup against the Philadelphia Flyers, Crosby instigated several fights and was widely regarded as playing, according to Barry Melrose as “A petulant, snot nosed, dingleberry”(Citation needed)  Partly because of his actions the Penguins would go on to lose game 3 and are now in desperation mode.

Not wanting to let the media kill his proverbial golden goose I got a call from Mario Lemieux requesting an interview between me and his troubled star.  It was according to Super Mario a way to let the people of Philadelphia know that while this is playoff hockey and tempers will rise, that it is just a hockey game and there were no real hard feelings.  According to Lemieux with my penchant for snagging high profile interviews and my near constant bomb threats I was the perfect combination of tough but brutally unfair, much like the crowd at the Wachovia Center.

"You can't beat us!" is hard truth for Pens

"You can't beat us."

The best sports chants are totally spontaneous, born out of a collective emotion so strong that 20,000 complete strangers express it loudly in perfect unison, and so perfectly capture the truth of the moment that the object of their derision or adoration can't help but be cut to the bone.

Such was the scene with four minutes and 42 seconds left to play in the final frame of what can only be described as a "who's your daddy?" type of affair.

20 On Orange and Black

After reading my heartfelt praise of his teams Game 1 effort Peter Laviolette called me and requested a meeting.  This is the transcript.

April 14, 2012

Peter called me at 6:30 am telling me to meet him at Sugar House Casino in an hour.  Groggily I get up toss on my old Eric Lindros Jersey and ride down.  I arrived about a half an hour later.  The casino is sparsely populated.  Off in the slots area are some blue haired old hags blowing their grandsons birthday present money.  In the other corner is the line to the buffet.  In fact the only commotion is coming from the Craps table where a large crowd of people are loudly cheering.  I wander over there and after elbowing a few spectators I see Laviolette at the epicenter.  He looked manic.  His hair wasn’t it’s typical slicked back manor.  There was no suit, no tie not even a piece of gum.  His eyes were blood shot and wild, it looked like he hadn’t slept in a while. 

I stood transfixed on the Flyers coach. He had barely any chips left and he was growing more and more anxious with each throw.  By the time he rolled a three the dealer used that pole thing and collected the rest of his stack.  Eventually some other degenerate picked up the dice, but by that time Laviolette had wandered off towards the soggy breakfast trays.

I caught up to him when he was seated at a table absentmindedly stuffing sausage links in his mouth.

True Grit

For the past month it was inevitable that the Flyers and Penguins would meet in the first round.  And for the last month I’ve been freaking the hell out about it.  These are the two best teams in the East, despite the Rangers ranking and their total evisceration of the Flyers during the regular season for whatever reason I’ve never considered them a team to fear.    

Well for the past 2 weeks I’ve attempted to write a column about this matchup.  How about a five point rationale on why this team or that team will win.  Big fuckin deal; who hasn’t done that?   No I want to write something original.  Ok; so how about a stupid first person narrative where I pretend I’m at their morning skate around or something.  Well the thing is I have nothing to really say that would either be the least bit funny or insightful.  Trust me I tried several times to make it work.  Ok so how about a pep talk speech in writing mixed with a few prayers that I made up.  Well I found out my rhyme scheme is terrible and I’m really not that creative.  Wait what about a story where Sidney Crosby is some sort of demon who only gets stronger by the amount of tears he sheds and the amount of dicks in his mouth.  That's a good start, but I don't know what I would do with it.  So what’s left?

How about something from the heart.  Ok here we go.

The Florida Panthers and Rewarding Mediocrity

First off, I want one thing to be clear: This is not sour grapes. I'm perfectly happy with the Flyers in the fourth or fifth seed facing the Penguins, because I believe that the Flyers would probably have to face the Pens at some point deeper in the playoffs anyway. I'm also looking forward to a potentially all-time classic first-round series.

But that doesn't mean it isn't completely ridiculous that the Florida Panthers are likely going to earn the third overall seed in the Eastern Conference.

My Time With Roger Goodell: An American Horror Story

As the preeminent sports journalist/ sex doll tester in all the tri state area it was no surprise that I was standing in front of the NFL home office building on Park Ave.  As I gazed up at the equivalent of the Vatican for the Church of Football I couldn’t help but think that this is where I belong.  After a little less than two months I had arrived in the big leagues and it was about fucking time.

With all the allegations of collusion; his salary and the size of his dick all coming into question Roger Goodell knew the importance of getting his side of the story.  Or at least that’s what the letter from his secretary had said.  It had also said to bring a change of underwear.   But I hear that every time I go to Olive Garden so I guess that just means they’ll be providing food.